


Love Deep

by MirthfulCrier



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-12
Updated: 2013-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-01 06:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1041273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirthfulCrier/pseuds/MirthfulCrier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Feferi contemplates her feelings for Karkat and shares a brief moment of vulnerability with the sleeping, grouchy, crab-boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Deep

**Love Deep**

               It was impossible to say what drew her in first. What lured her in like a guppy to the bait. She was long over Eridan, having quite exhausted any pale feelings she had felt for him long ago, but before Sollux with whom she’d felt free and at home. But somewhere between the two she had fallen for Karkat, and even now it was impossible to ignore the sensation of her heart quickening at the thought. But what exactly had brought her to realize her feelings, she could not have said.

                It could have been his strength. He was strong, though most could not see that, least of all himself. It was in his motions as he moved, whether he was merely walking or wielding his cute pink and yellow sickle. He was strong as he led them, encouraged them, and commanded them in his own funny raging way. Because he was their strong leader, no matter what anyone said. His strength was shown even long after their defeat, though many times he stumbled he still insisted that he lead them, that he would never abandon them. She liked that.

                It could have been his emotion. He was angry, he was a naturally angry Troll. A regular grumpy-gills. He bubbled and churned with feelings and rage, so much so like the rolling sea she called home, but his anger hid much. Few others would have seen it. She suspected Terezi saw what was beneath his anger and his harsh words. She saw what was really in his heart. So did Feferi, but she did not let anyone else know that. He thought that keeping everything else inside of him except the anger would keep them all away from what he was scared of. She liked that.

                But most likely what she’d been attracted to was his love. That was something she was fairly sure no one else was aware of. Karkat Vantas loved more deeply and truly than anyone she’d anyone else she’d ever met. And it wasn’t as simple as matesprite, or kismesis, or moirail. She suspected Gamzee or Kanaya was probably close to being his moirail, and though she felt a deep stab of pain admitting it, Terezi was very likely his matesprite. But she sensed that Karkat felt for all of them, each in a different way, though he would never admit it. He was their leader, their protector; he loved them like he was their lusus, or what the humans called “father”. And, in an ecto-biological way, he was.

                Feferi had never felt loved like that. She was sure the others never picked up on it, and Karkat was very good at masking it all behind rage. In a way he kept his love as hidden and vague as his blood. But she had glimpsed deeper, seen what he really was. It made her feel alive and carefree, but also saddened her. She thought about these feelings he had and realized that they were not, could not, be the same as the feelings she had for him. It was all very bitter-sweet.

                So she’d left it alone and tried her best to force her heart to forget him and her mind to see him as only a dear friend. But the heart was such a stubborn thing, be it a Troll’s or a human’s. Eventually the ecstasy she felt, the joy he brought her, became depression, an unfilled hole slowly growing inside her. And to fill that hole, she’d friended Sollux.

                He was another very dear friend, and it really made her happy when she could be with him. To put aside all the angst and want, but in the end, he was only another friend. She’d had enough of dear friends. And all the while the hole grew larger and darker, a suspiciously Cancer shaped hole in her heart that needed to be filled, lest she drown in her own grief. And what an ironic death that would be for an heiress sea-troll.

                So she waited and watched, she did not know what for. Maybe for some kind of inkling of his feelings for her, in his words or in his eyes. Maybe the hope that he would just one day come and sweep her off her feet. Maybe just the chance for her to tell him exactly how empty she felt. But she watched and waited.

                And then at last a night came when he was alone, not sitting at his computer in the lab as usual, but lying on the floor next to it. He was dreaming, and it could not have been a very nice one the way he was cringing and groaning with his eyes squinted shut so hard, as if in pain. The others had decided to let him sleep, even Terezi claiming it was only a bad dream that troubled him. But Feferi had looked at the way he’d writhed on the floor, clenching and unclenching his hands as if he was trying to grasp something and felt that hole take a hit at her heart.

                She waited till everyone else had left the lab and was sure that Gamzee was asleep on his horns. Her footsteps were rather quiet on the lab floor, they did not make as much sound as Karkat’s moaning and gasping. She knelt down next to him, gently raising his head to lie on her lap. He stirred for a moment before going back to his desperate tossing and turning.

                Lovingly she let he hand run through his hair and across his forehead. “Shhhh, it’s okay.” She whispered as softly as she could. “Everything’s going to be okay.” His tossing stopped but he still forced his eyes shut much too tight and groaned.

                “No…”he spoke in his sleep. “He’s going to get me. He’s going to get all of you.”

                Feferi took his hand, still reaching out for something, and grasped it in her own, still stoking his head and whispering. “It’s okay, he’s not going to get us right now.”

                He stopped his groaning and turning. “Y-you’re safe? Everyone’s safe?”

                She smiled and felt some form of tears building their way up. Ever their brave leader, caring and kind behind his cloak of anger. As strong as he was and as much as he cared, Karkat needed to be comforted just as much as he unknowingly comforted them.

                “We’re all safe Karkat. We have you, remember?”

                And at last all his fussing stopped and his face relaxed and finally he was a picture of peaceful sleep even if his dreams were not yet over. She stayed with him like that for a long time, just looking at his face, his cute nubby horns, still stroking his hair like her lusus had done for her so long ago. And for those glorious minutes the hole was erased, filled with the bliss of a sleeping Cancer. Before she really knew what she was doing, Feferi bent her head down and kissed him on the lips. Whispering a long “I love you” under her breath.

                And then she beheld the most glorious sight of all. Karkat was smiling. Not a large grin or fanged smirk, just a simple honest smile of happiness and she felt a matching one on her own face.

                When she was sure that he would no longer be troubled, she moved carefully laying his head back on the floor and staring to stand up. His hand, still clutching hers, tightened slightly and his face scrunched up slightly again, more in question than in anger or pain.

                Oh how she would have loved to just stay, to lie down next to him and sleep beside him, but she knew that whatever he was dreaming of was not the same as her dream, and never could be. So she waited till his grip loosened and she placed his arm on top his chest, and with one last kiss on the forehead she left the lab just as quietly as she’d come though much much happier. Perhaps she left a tad too quick, for she never heard the sleeping Cancer whisper one single name in his sleep, and she would never know who’s it was.

                Karkat was awake the next time she saw him, still in the lab where most the others were now. He looked like his normal, fuming, foul-mouthed self. As she approached him she tried her best not to blush or stumble over her words.

                “Finally! So Karkat, what was your dream like after you died? I have been glubbing like crazy over here wondering about it.”

                He did not shout out right or insult her, or spit out some sloppily miss-matched curse words. He was actually avoiding her eyes all together, looking at the ground with his eyes rather wide. “I…I don’t want to talk about it.” Was…was he blushing?

                “You just look a little flushed,” she pried forgetting herself for a moment and reaching out to touch his shoulder. “Were you scared by what you saw?”

                His eyes grew even wider and he gazed locked on her hand, before he turned away, now blushing like mad. “WHAT ABOUT NOT TALKING ABOUT IT DO YOU NOT GET?” And there was the old defensive Karkat.

                Feferi too felt her cheeks getting hotter, though she had no idea why. And she looked away as well, rather nervously. “Right. Sorry.” She said.

                She peeked over and noticed Karkat still eyeing her hand and subconsciously running his hand through his hair. “Hey Feferi.” he said with red still showing.

                “Yes Karcrab?” she asked playfully trying to alleviate some of the tension.

                He did not even seem to notice the nickname he hated so much, though now he seemed able to look her in the eye. “Don’t fall asleep, okay? It might not be safe and I don’t want anything happening to you. Any of you nook-whiffing morons that is.” He turned away again and folded his arms.

                She smiled. “Sure Karkat.”

                “…good…Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go make Gamzee get rid of those fucking horns.” He said leaving without looking back.

                Feferi’s eyes followed him for a while, a smile still on her face. He loved so deep. And she was not willing to give up feeling a different kind of that love one day. 

**Author's Note:**

> This story is also available for reading at FanFiction.net under my other username, "The Helpless Romantic". Despite the name change I am the original author of this piece though the characters belong to Andrew Hussie.


End file.
